Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  During this wonderful break from normal life to eat an insane meal, I am blessed to also connect with my amazing extended family.

This year's celebration did not disappoint. It was one of the best in our 24 year tradition!

One of the hot topics this year was my ADHD diagnosis.  During various conversation, this blog came up and I was encouraged to hear that what I had written here had actually be read by some people... and it made me realize that I can keep doing this, I want to keep blogging about this.

Yup it's been over 2 months since I blogged.  Why?  Cause I got a job, and "restarted" my life post diagnosis.  That's a big deal.

Because of how the motivation came to write again, I want to start with a list of things I am thankful for in this process:

I am Thankful for...

1. My doctor and coach:  I have been blessed beyond words to find a team of professionals who are actually in my corner.  I hired an ADHD coach a few months ago, and her coaching has taken me from surviving to thriving.  I now have a whole set of skills which enable me to live my life well.

2.  The end of my "advent":  I am a Christian, and we are currently in the season of "Advent".  This time is celebrated in the 4 weeks before Christmas.  It is supposed to help Christians focus on the fact we are living "in between" 2 great mysteries; the coming of Jesus as a baby on Christmas and the coming of Jesus again at the end of time.

Advent is a season of waiting, a season of longing, a season of waiting for the light to break into a dark world.

Before August 7th, 2014, I had been living a long, hard, 27 year Advent.  A time of waiting, longing, hoping without hope that something might end the frustration.  Diagnosis was my personal Christmas, which is funny... my name is Noelle, which means Christ is Born.  Christmas has always had a special meaning for me.

My Advent is over, I am living in new light, a new life.

3.  The challenge before me:  To learn to live well.
I am grateful that those in my life are not allowing me to "settle" but are encouraging me to now engage the process of learning to live well.  As Dr. Mason said to me yesterday "You now have a left leg and a right leg, instead of just one leg, you have two.  Now it's the process of learning when to jump, run, walk, dancing, stand on one leg or the other, this is now the process."

I now have 2 legs, I have emotion centers in my brain, but I also have a pre frontal cortex that is now working... I can decide between emotion and rationality, and I rejoice in the challenge to learn to live well.

If you don't have anyone in your corner; don't give up until you find them.
If you are still in your Advent; keep going, Christmas won't wait forever.
Let us take up the challenge to go and learn to live well.

Enough.

I'm blogging from my bed.  It's a terribly grey and freezing cold day.  I have a feeling Fall might just get skipped right over.  The clouds look like snow clouds today.  I've been in bed most of the afternoon, watching TV and trying to get my body to feel better.  It's not working.

I broke down earlier and called my ADD doctor's office.  I've been pretending like it's not true, trying food elimination, more sleep, stretching, drinking lots of water... but I couldn't take it anymore.

My meds are making me feel like I have a low grade stomach flu.

It's awful.  Slight headache, off and on... extreme nausea at times which goes away but then comes back with a vengeance. I'm wiped out, I didn't really sleep much last night.  I'm jittery, not externally, but inside.  One of the side effects of concerta is nervousness.  It's terrible.

I knew this could happen, and I had told myself it probably would.  However, I'd also read that your body gets used to the meds and the side effects go away.  They aren't going away.

The whole thing feels cruel.  In an effort to have a brain that functions normally, I get a body that is hating me.  Yes.  I am complaining.  I've kept my head up for a while now... but today I feel defeated.  It's either an unquiet mind or a pain filled body.  What kind of choice is that?



(side note:  I am being very honest here.  I'm not going off my meds, I know it's a long and often frustrating process. I just thought it is important to share how hard it is and how nasty the whole process can be.)

Facing the Giants

I haven't posted in a while.  Have you read the book "Daring Greatly"?  I'm finding it to be particularly awesome... it's about vulnerability.  I've been feeling vulnerable.  I made a major spelling mistake recently, when writing about ADD and someone called it out.  It made me not want to write more...

But, I should.  I need to be open and vulnerable.  I'll just say it up front; I can't spell to save my life... It's an ADD thing.  I also DO NOT know everything (or very much) about ADD, and know that it effects me differently from other people.


So here we are.  A rainy day, mid September.  I want to write about Giants.

I said something in passing to a friend the other day; "I guess the last 4 months have been taking the time to actually stop and turn to face the giants who have been chasing me my whole life."

Mindfulness and This

Google defines Mindfulness as:

     1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

1. "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 
   
3. 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

"Mindfulness" has streams running through many rivers in this world.  Most major religions have a theme of it, in same way, shape or form.  The idea of being present to those around you, aware of what is happening here and now, and the ability to listen well to the people and things around you are all highly valued both in our culture and faith context.

Mindfulness is basically impossible (or very challenging) for someone who has AD(H)D.  I wish I had more words to describe it, but I'll do my best.  Before getting on stimulant medication, my world was so incredibly loud.  My mind ran at 10,000 miles a minute, I was not able to control where it went, and had the feeling at times of not being able to breath because I just couldn't keep thoughts in my head.  

That "something special"

I'm reading the book "Driven to Distraction", which seems to be one of the most researched and readable books available about AD(H)D.

Yes, I'm actually reading it.  I still can't get over this whole ability to read thing!  It's pretty amazing.

At one point one of the authors mentions that AD(H)D does have a positive side. (Well actually it has many positive sides, they are just hard to find)  I think he writes more about it later in the book, but in the section I read he writes about how people who have AD(H)D often have an indescribable quality that draws people to them, a charisma, something extra that is intangible.

He also writes that, while there are famous people who have had AD(H)D and have been able to use that "something special" for great good, and to impact the world, most people with AD(H)D struggle so much with issue of self esteem and self worth that they never get past that to actually be able to harness and use the unnamed gift of AD(H)D.

As I've considered what that something special is, I think I have put my finger on a small part of it. People who have AD(H)D are known for our lack of inhibition.   We will say, do, write, explore, ask, and pursue things that the vast majority of people wouldn't.  This can be maddening to people and society, understandably.  While 90+% of the population is living in line with certain norms, unstated rules of conduct, and boundaries, those with AD(H)D just run headlong through them, often leaving an unintentional mess behind us.

Imperfect Clarity

I'm going to jump ahead.  This is a blog written by someone with ADD... so you probably should get used to it.

I started stimulant medication one week ago today.  It didn't do anything the first 2 days.  I was really frustrated and upped (per doctors instructions) my dose on Thursday.  It worked.  Well.

Thursday and Friday were the most productive days I have had in months.  It was amazing.

So the medication is helping.  No, it's not the "come to Jesus" kind of experience I've hear a lot of people describe, but I want to share 2 experiences which have been incredible.

I feel a little stupid writing about these experiences.  You'll probably read them and think "why is that a big deal"?  But I am sharing them anyway because for me, and I think for many with AD(H)D they are a huge deal.  Perhaps they can be a window into this experience.

The first experience was on Saturday.  I had been out late the night before treating my ADD with some good old fashion dancing (it helps, perhaps the next post will be on the medical importance of dancing your heart out to Rihanna).  I slept in, and got ready for a wedding of a dear friend.  One of my best friends (Clarissa) was also attending the wedding and we made plans to spend the day together.

False Start: ADD, Emotion and Frustration

I was on a high!  I was so excited to have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder because finally someone understood what it was like... and it's not my fault.

I joyfully went to the pharmacy, script in hand.  About 30 minutes later, I got a call from the pharmacy saying my insurance had refused to fill the script.

I won't get into details, it makes me stressed just thinking about.  Long story short:  Make sure to get pre-approved by insurance and jump through the many, many hoops that they put up including making your doctors work overtime for you.

So here is the thing, as I worked my tail off to get this moving, sorted and organized, I realized the irony.  Here I am, fighting for a medication to help me with ADD which ultimately will help me to handle these sort of situations better.  Seriously!?!

ADD/ADHD, Emotion and Frustration:

The (whole) life of someone who has ADD/ADHD is incredibly frustrating.  No matter how hard you try, you often can't do things that other people would say are "easy" or things that you "just have to do".  In order to do anything which a) requires prolonged attention and/or b) is boring/uninteresting/hard, you have to work up emotions.

Day One: Diagnosis

This morning I found myself in the office of Dr. Oren Mason at Attention MD.  I had heard much about his practice, which specializes in attention issues, and has helped a number of people I know.  I felt right at home as soon as I walked in, the walls were lined with Ansel Adams pictures... my favorite.

Dr. Mason is a kind, easy going man who himself has ADD, and thus was encouraged to start a practice through which he can help others.  We started with a simple computerized attention test.  I went through it and often found myself thinking "Damn, damn it!"

I kept messing up or missing things.

When the test finished, Dr. Mason printed the results and said "Well, the computer thinks you have ADD, but let's see."

Day Zero

I haven't even been diagnosed yet, but it's a few days away.

As always, there is a chance I might not have Attention Deficit Disorder.  But odds are, I do.

A little background, overview, and summary for future readers.

My name is Noelle and I am 27 years old.  I currently live in West Michigan, but I've lived all over the world. A lot of people would say I've had a successful and exciting life.  However, if you ask me, I would shrug and say "I guess".

See, life has been deeply frustrating to me for as long as I can remember.  Chalk some of it up to being dealt an imperfect hand in life, but there is still a margin of frustration that others seem to not experience.  This took me 27 years to realize, and a number of months to come to terms with and embrace.

I experience the world differently than other people.  

When I read, write or say that, there is a part of me that wants to throw a fit.  "I've been 'different' my whole life!  Does there have to be another realization of this?  I am so sick of it!"

But this time it is a different process.  Embracing the fact that I experience the world different, have to work incredibly hard to get and do seemingly easy things, my extreme forgetfulness doesn't mean I'm stupid, and that various aspects of who I am in social situations aren't actually my (intentional) fault has been freeing and helpful.  Finally, there might be some vocabulary to explain my world of frustration.

So, I'm starting a blog.  Why?  Because I've blogged for years and love it, but also because I think it's important to have a space to share about this process and experience.

Please note:  This will not be a rant and rave, complain, and groan blog.  I am hoping it will be funny, witty, insightful and helpful.  I intend to put up helpful resources I find, maybe have guest bloggers, and try the best I can to laugh along with this new revelation.  I will share my experiences, including my struggles, but I hope that you find this space delightful, honest, refreshing and fun to read.

That is why this blog is called ADDed to me.  I want my new found ADD to be added and joyfully incorporated into my life, even as I see as much help and treatment as I can get along this unexpected journey.

So to begin: