Mindfulness and This

Google defines Mindfulness as:

     1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

1. "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 
   
3. 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

"Mindfulness" has streams running through many rivers in this world.  Most major religions have a theme of it, in same way, shape or form.  The idea of being present to those around you, aware of what is happening here and now, and the ability to listen well to the people and things around you are all highly valued both in our culture and faith context.

Mindfulness is basically impossible (or very challenging) for someone who has AD(H)D.  I wish I had more words to describe it, but I'll do my best.  Before getting on stimulant medication, my world was so incredibly loud.  My mind ran at 10,000 miles a minute, I was not able to control where it went, and had the feeling at times of not being able to breath because I just couldn't keep thoughts in my head.  

Most people with AD(H)D struggle hugely to keep their physical spaces clean and organized.  I think that it's the best indicator of what our brains look like.  When you see someone with AD(H)D running around their room or house trying to find their keys, imagine that that is what we are doing all day long in our brains, and you might have a small window into what it's like to live with AD(H)D.

The inability (or incredible challenge) to be mindful has incredibly far reaching impacts.  Think about it:

1. Self Awareness/ Self Care:  Everyone has a different level of self awareness.  For me, my undiagnosed AD(H)D meant that I developed a decent amount of self awareness, which made me incredibly aware of how much pain, frustration and hurt my very existence was causing a lot of people in my life.  I had no control over it, even though I tried incredibly hard to control it.  I now know, I actually couldn't.  I have a feeling (though I could be wrong) that many people with AD(H)D have a decently developed self awareness, simply because of the feedback we get from the world about how who we are and what we are doing just doesn't fit. 

Yet, as the authors of "Drive to Distraction" write, the majority of people with AD(H)D suffer from an incredible lack of self esteem, and self worth.  This directly impacts self care. You can be incredibly self aware, but still not take care of yourself. 

The other challenge is that for a person with AD(H)D self care can be like climbing a mountain without training.  When your impulse control. ability to form habits, ability to be consistent, memory, and attention are all impaired, how do you care for yourself?  Shame is usually the emotion I have to cultivate to get me to actually exercise, or stop eating.  Shame is a nasty emotion, which doesn't help anyone in the long run, but that is powerful enough for many people with AD(H)D to use as their "last resort" so that we can do the things expected of us. 

But shame motivated self care is not very helpful.  It is in no way mindfully in tune with what our bodies, minds and souls actually need.

2. Relationships:  "Listen to me!" "You don't care about me!" ... I won't even go on, the list is massive and painful.  Relationships (friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships, family...) are hard for anyone.  For a person with AD(H)D, the lack of mindfulness is one of the most damaging parts of relating to others.  Our brains are run, uncontrollably, and so in conversation, quiet moments, pain, intimacy, fights, and even moments of great joy, "being there" can be almost impossible. 

I also wonder about AD(H)D and the ability to process intense emotion... my hypothesis is that we struggle with it more than most, but I could be wrong... I'll look into that for later.  

3. Prayer and Meditation:  "Be still and..." - says every major religion and school class room

I don't have the (H) in my ADD... H= Hyperactivity; the basic uncontrollable motor movement.  Even without the (H), ALL people with AD(H)D LOVE movement.  (I am currently dancing in my pink chair while writing)  

Any form of Spirituality requires a huge amount of Mindfulness.  "Emptying the mind" for our eastern friends, "Meditating on Scripture" or "Sitting with Jesus quietly" for Christians, I should ask my Muslim friends what the equivalent is for them, but I do know they have some encouraged forms of quiet, mindful times of presence.   

But when the mind is racing like our bodies do around our spaces when we're looking for our keys, focusing on being "present in the moment" and just "experiencing the now" feels like being asked to hold my breath for an hour.  The continued perceived "failure" in spiritual practices is frustrating beyond words.  

4. Rest:  One of the symptoms of AD(H)D that made me go and get tested was "The inability to relax".  It had taken me a while to come to terms with this, but I finally realized earlier this summer how purely exhausted I've been (for years) and how no matter how hard I try to create restful space, I just can't relax.  (Which makes self care OH so hard!)  

Rest and mindfulness are linked.  Most of our lives have awake, restful moments.  But if in those moments there is constant noise inside they can't be engaged, they can't be rested in and received.  A life without rest is horribly exhausting.

Most people who write about AD(H)D explain that various "vices" are incredibly common with those who have AD(H)D... anything from over eating to alcohol, coffee, cocaine, smoking, etc.  Why?  Because these things give us a moment of the feeling of control OR a moment of quiet in our heads.  

I think that all people need space for quiet, mindful rest.  Our bodies, souls, relationships, and minds need us to be mindful of both them and our beautiful world.  

For me, knowledge that I have AD(H)D and medication have hugely helped.  If you think you might have AD(H)D, please get tested by an expert and get help... you don't have to keep living like this.