I haven't posted in a while. Have you read the book "Daring Greatly"? I'm finding it to be particularly awesome... it's about vulnerability. I've been feeling vulnerable. I made a major spelling mistake recently, when writing about ADD and someone called it out. It made me not want to write more...
But, I should. I need to be open and vulnerable. I'll just say it up front; I can't spell to save my life... It's an ADD thing. I also DO NOT know everything (or very much) about ADD, and know that it effects me differently from other people.
So here we are. A rainy day, mid September. I want to write about Giants.
I said something in passing to a friend the other day; "I guess the last 4 months have been taking the time to actually stop and turn to face the giants who have been chasing me my whole life."
I didn't think much of it when I said it, but its been rolling around my head the past few days. The picture that comes to mind when I think about it is a little girl standing with some big ugly troll like creatures, talking to them.
Perhaps this seems to be an exaggeration. "We all have our issues and demons" people would say, I'm sure. But what I know is that I've been running my whole life. I've been "trying my best" or "trying to do better", apologizing constantly, pushing myself, running, fighting, striving, and feeling I am getting no where. And all the time there are giants behind me, I just have to stay a step ahead no matter how tired I am.
Many people who have ADD are very persistent and resilient. If they're not, it probably means they've hit a wall of exhaustion or have just stopped trying because it's so hard. But I think most of us, in our own ways, just don't, or won't, give up. I think it's because of the Giants.
I've realized that I've pushed myself very hard out of fear of the giants. It's the feeling that if I don't, if I stop even for one second, if I admit how hard things are, or if I fail again, I am never going to get up and the giants are going to trample me.
As discussed previously, negative emotions play a very important role in the life of a person with ADD, especially when un-medicated. They are motivators. So my giants have chased me; and they are the giants that say that "everything people have told you about yourself is true". I've used their hot pursuit to push myself to prove that it's not true: I'm not a failure, I'm not a terrible person, I'm don't have some massive character flaw, I don't mean to hurt people. Ironically, as much as I have tried to prove I am not those things, I also have started believing I am all of those things... because of how hard it is to prove I am not.
So I have finally raised the white flag. I have stopped running. And suddenly realizing how incredibly exhausted I am, I've fallen down at the feet of my giants and said "enough is enough". My limits have been met, if I had continued this pace I would have killed myself. Trample me if you must, I don't care anymore.
As I turn to face them, they are ugly and nasty, huge and strong... but also stupid and uncoordinated. I have a feeling we might be able to become friends and walk together, instead of continuing this exhausting chase. It might not be as much of an adventure, with the emotional highs and lows, but at least I'll be able to reach the destination and maybe even get a ride on the shoulders of the giants.
I think the view would be incredible from up there.
But, I should. I need to be open and vulnerable. I'll just say it up front; I can't spell to save my life... It's an ADD thing. I also DO NOT know everything (or very much) about ADD, and know that it effects me differently from other people.
So here we are. A rainy day, mid September. I want to write about Giants.
I said something in passing to a friend the other day; "I guess the last 4 months have been taking the time to actually stop and turn to face the giants who have been chasing me my whole life."
I didn't think much of it when I said it, but its been rolling around my head the past few days. The picture that comes to mind when I think about it is a little girl standing with some big ugly troll like creatures, talking to them.
Perhaps this seems to be an exaggeration. "We all have our issues and demons" people would say, I'm sure. But what I know is that I've been running my whole life. I've been "trying my best" or "trying to do better", apologizing constantly, pushing myself, running, fighting, striving, and feeling I am getting no where. And all the time there are giants behind me, I just have to stay a step ahead no matter how tired I am.
Many people who have ADD are very persistent and resilient. If they're not, it probably means they've hit a wall of exhaustion or have just stopped trying because it's so hard. But I think most of us, in our own ways, just don't, or won't, give up. I think it's because of the Giants.
I've realized that I've pushed myself very hard out of fear of the giants. It's the feeling that if I don't, if I stop even for one second, if I admit how hard things are, or if I fail again, I am never going to get up and the giants are going to trample me.
As discussed previously, negative emotions play a very important role in the life of a person with ADD, especially when un-medicated. They are motivators. So my giants have chased me; and they are the giants that say that "everything people have told you about yourself is true". I've used their hot pursuit to push myself to prove that it's not true: I'm not a failure, I'm not a terrible person, I'm don't have some massive character flaw, I don't mean to hurt people. Ironically, as much as I have tried to prove I am not those things, I also have started believing I am all of those things... because of how hard it is to prove I am not.
So I have finally raised the white flag. I have stopped running. And suddenly realizing how incredibly exhausted I am, I've fallen down at the feet of my giants and said "enough is enough". My limits have been met, if I had continued this pace I would have killed myself. Trample me if you must, I don't care anymore.
As I turn to face them, they are ugly and nasty, huge and strong... but also stupid and uncoordinated. I have a feeling we might be able to become friends and walk together, instead of continuing this exhausting chase. It might not be as much of an adventure, with the emotional highs and lows, but at least I'll be able to reach the destination and maybe even get a ride on the shoulders of the giants.
I think the view would be incredible from up there.
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