Stupid Tax

Executive Functions are a beast.  (Read more about what they are here:  )

For those with ADHD, executive functions are the core of the problem.  They are basically the common thread through the incredible varied expressions and experiences of ADHD.  The common thread is that they don't work well for any of us.

The words "Executive Functions" are apt.  Just as there is a South African mercenary group called "Executive Outcomes", who are responsible for securing some of the most notable military victories for those who can afford them throughout the African content, so Executive Functions allow a human being to experience success and, perhaps, victory over prioritization, prolonged focus, and organization in every day life.

And when they don't work:  Enter the world of AD(H)D.

Those of us with AD(H)D pay "Stupid Tax".  This is the extra cost endured due to disorganization, lack of focus, inability to do tasks we don't like or find interesting.  We've all paid it, and a lot of it.  It's the late fees at the library, phone bill, rent, parking or speeding ticket, debt or credit card late fees... I used to live across the street from the library (literally a 50 second walk to the return box) and I still managed to get many late fee charges.

Stupid tax is when you drive twice as far to get home because you made a wrong turn you "felt" should be the right way, instead of checking.  Stupid tax is when a friend gets mad at you for being late or unreliable.  Stupid tax is the sinking feeling in your stomach when you realized you forgot something really important you had to do at work.

Stupid tax costs real money, time, and emotion.  It hurts relationships, damages job performance and crushes self esteem.  Those of us with AD(H)D often feel that we will never be able to "get it together" ... it's just impossible to pay that parking ticket on time.

For me there have been two keys to "hacking" the inner self destroying cycle of stupid tax:

1. Getting the help I needed:  My coach, doctor and support network have helped me learn that my work and identity don't depend on my ability to pay a parking ticket on time.  But they ALSO have released in me, through medication and many wonderful new life skills, the capacity I never had to actually accomplish these tasks.

2. Grace for Stupid Tax;  I got a parking ticket (I shouldn't have gotten) and paid it late, so it was twice as much.  Instead of going down the rabbit hole of how terrible I am because of this, I simply said... "Merry Christmas to me" and paid the stinking bill.  I know I have to leave earlier for things so I can get lost, add a little extra in my budget for my occasionally forgetfulness, and ultimately, learn to laugh at myself before the overwhelmed and unworthy gremlins get a chance to come in.


Note:  This post makes me think about how some people say AD(H)D is a cultural phenomenon.  I disagree.  I am confident (and there is a lot of research on this) that we are every where.  The difference is the impact that AD(H)D has on daily life.  In America, for example, we hold order, and organization, up as the ideal, the goal.  This cultural trend impacts the life experience of someone who can't meet those ideals in a profound way.  A way which is different than how it would be experiences say, in Uganda.

No longer AD(H)D can't be the goal

I've realized that there are places and spaces I avoid.  It's actually been a subconscious avoidance, but the other day it floated to the surface.

In an effort to live a life where I thrive, not struggle, where I use my skills instead of kicking myself for my failings, I also have started building new walls and avoiding my weakest spaces.

Meditation/Prayer is still hard.  As is being in larger group settings, as well as any task (outside of work) which is more mundane and requires prolonged focus, mornings, (oddly) when working out, when sick or tired, or bored, all very hard, and now I notice it.

So what does one do?  Should I construct a life where I do not do these things, or at least avoid them as much as possible?  You can't really cut out mornings.

That's not the answer.  I'm finding AD(H)D to be a constant reminder of the need to be a person of courage.  And the place I need the most courage is to face into the spaces where I am still "very ADD".   They're scary and they hurt, it's horribly uncomfortable and I want them to go away.  But if they did, things would be so easy, and I don't think easy was ever the point.

Growth is the point.  I'm not sure how much capacity I have to intentionally be in these hard spaces.  I do know that I need to "just do it"... and I need to use the new found ability to actually be present to do it well.

The last aspect I realize is needed is grace.  Grace for myself in these, the hardest and most vulnerable, spaces.  Permission to me, to be however I am, and trust that if (or when) I fall and fail, people will pick me up.  Permission to be imperfect, and perhaps the grace in this will be to slowly learn to love what I see as "imperfection".

And of course, a little extra money set aside as grace for "stupid tax"  (the next post...) 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  During this wonderful break from normal life to eat an insane meal, I am blessed to also connect with my amazing extended family.

This year's celebration did not disappoint. It was one of the best in our 24 year tradition!

One of the hot topics this year was my ADHD diagnosis.  During various conversation, this blog came up and I was encouraged to hear that what I had written here had actually be read by some people... and it made me realize that I can keep doing this, I want to keep blogging about this.

Yup it's been over 2 months since I blogged.  Why?  Cause I got a job, and "restarted" my life post diagnosis.  That's a big deal.

Because of how the motivation came to write again, I want to start with a list of things I am thankful for in this process:

I am Thankful for...

1. My doctor and coach:  I have been blessed beyond words to find a team of professionals who are actually in my corner.  I hired an ADHD coach a few months ago, and her coaching has taken me from surviving to thriving.  I now have a whole set of skills which enable me to live my life well.

2.  The end of my "advent":  I am a Christian, and we are currently in the season of "Advent".  This time is celebrated in the 4 weeks before Christmas.  It is supposed to help Christians focus on the fact we are living "in between" 2 great mysteries; the coming of Jesus as a baby on Christmas and the coming of Jesus again at the end of time.

Advent is a season of waiting, a season of longing, a season of waiting for the light to break into a dark world.

Before August 7th, 2014, I had been living a long, hard, 27 year Advent.  A time of waiting, longing, hoping without hope that something might end the frustration.  Diagnosis was my personal Christmas, which is funny... my name is Noelle, which means Christ is Born.  Christmas has always had a special meaning for me.

My Advent is over, I am living in new light, a new life.

3.  The challenge before me:  To learn to live well.
I am grateful that those in my life are not allowing me to "settle" but are encouraging me to now engage the process of learning to live well.  As Dr. Mason said to me yesterday "You now have a left leg and a right leg, instead of just one leg, you have two.  Now it's the process of learning when to jump, run, walk, dancing, stand on one leg or the other, this is now the process."

I now have 2 legs, I have emotion centers in my brain, but I also have a pre frontal cortex that is now working... I can decide between emotion and rationality, and I rejoice in the challenge to learn to live well.

If you don't have anyone in your corner; don't give up until you find them.
If you are still in your Advent; keep going, Christmas won't wait forever.
Let us take up the challenge to go and learn to live well.

Enough.

I'm blogging from my bed.  It's a terribly grey and freezing cold day.  I have a feeling Fall might just get skipped right over.  The clouds look like snow clouds today.  I've been in bed most of the afternoon, watching TV and trying to get my body to feel better.  It's not working.

I broke down earlier and called my ADD doctor's office.  I've been pretending like it's not true, trying food elimination, more sleep, stretching, drinking lots of water... but I couldn't take it anymore.

My meds are making me feel like I have a low grade stomach flu.

It's awful.  Slight headache, off and on... extreme nausea at times which goes away but then comes back with a vengeance. I'm wiped out, I didn't really sleep much last night.  I'm jittery, not externally, but inside.  One of the side effects of concerta is nervousness.  It's terrible.

I knew this could happen, and I had told myself it probably would.  However, I'd also read that your body gets used to the meds and the side effects go away.  They aren't going away.

The whole thing feels cruel.  In an effort to have a brain that functions normally, I get a body that is hating me.  Yes.  I am complaining.  I've kept my head up for a while now... but today I feel defeated.  It's either an unquiet mind or a pain filled body.  What kind of choice is that?



(side note:  I am being very honest here.  I'm not going off my meds, I know it's a long and often frustrating process. I just thought it is important to share how hard it is and how nasty the whole process can be.)

Facing the Giants

I haven't posted in a while.  Have you read the book "Daring Greatly"?  I'm finding it to be particularly awesome... it's about vulnerability.  I've been feeling vulnerable.  I made a major spelling mistake recently, when writing about ADD and someone called it out.  It made me not want to write more...

But, I should.  I need to be open and vulnerable.  I'll just say it up front; I can't spell to save my life... It's an ADD thing.  I also DO NOT know everything (or very much) about ADD, and know that it effects me differently from other people.


So here we are.  A rainy day, mid September.  I want to write about Giants.

I said something in passing to a friend the other day; "I guess the last 4 months have been taking the time to actually stop and turn to face the giants who have been chasing me my whole life."

Mindfulness and This

Google defines Mindfulness as:

     1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

1. "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 
   
3. 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

"Mindfulness" has streams running through many rivers in this world.  Most major religions have a theme of it, in same way, shape or form.  The idea of being present to those around you, aware of what is happening here and now, and the ability to listen well to the people and things around you are all highly valued both in our culture and faith context.

Mindfulness is basically impossible (or very challenging) for someone who has AD(H)D.  I wish I had more words to describe it, but I'll do my best.  Before getting on stimulant medication, my world was so incredibly loud.  My mind ran at 10,000 miles a minute, I was not able to control where it went, and had the feeling at times of not being able to breath because I just couldn't keep thoughts in my head.  

That "something special"

I'm reading the book "Driven to Distraction", which seems to be one of the most researched and readable books available about AD(H)D.

Yes, I'm actually reading it.  I still can't get over this whole ability to read thing!  It's pretty amazing.

At one point one of the authors mentions that AD(H)D does have a positive side. (Well actually it has many positive sides, they are just hard to find)  I think he writes more about it later in the book, but in the section I read he writes about how people who have AD(H)D often have an indescribable quality that draws people to them, a charisma, something extra that is intangible.

He also writes that, while there are famous people who have had AD(H)D and have been able to use that "something special" for great good, and to impact the world, most people with AD(H)D struggle so much with issue of self esteem and self worth that they never get past that to actually be able to harness and use the unnamed gift of AD(H)D.

As I've considered what that something special is, I think I have put my finger on a small part of it. People who have AD(H)D are known for our lack of inhibition.   We will say, do, write, explore, ask, and pursue things that the vast majority of people wouldn't.  This can be maddening to people and society, understandably.  While 90+% of the population is living in line with certain norms, unstated rules of conduct, and boundaries, those with AD(H)D just run headlong through them, often leaving an unintentional mess behind us.