I've realized that there are places and spaces I avoid. It's actually been a subconscious avoidance, but the other day it floated to the surface.
In an effort to live a life where I thrive, not struggle, where I use my skills instead of kicking myself for my failings, I also have started building new walls and avoiding my weakest spaces.
Meditation/Prayer is still hard. As is being in larger group settings, as well as any task (outside of work) which is more mundane and requires prolonged focus, mornings, (oddly) when working out, when sick or tired, or bored, all very hard, and now I notice it.
So what does one do? Should I construct a life where I do not do these things, or at least avoid them as much as possible? You can't really cut out mornings.
That's not the answer. I'm finding AD(H)D to be a constant reminder of the need to be a person of courage. And the place I need the most courage is to face into the spaces where I am still "very ADD". They're scary and they hurt, it's horribly uncomfortable and I want them to go away. But if they did, things would be so easy, and I don't think easy was ever the point.
Growth is the point. I'm not sure how much capacity I have to intentionally be in these hard spaces. I do know that I need to "just do it"... and I need to use the new found ability to actually be present to do it well.
The last aspect I realize is needed is grace. Grace for myself in these, the hardest and most vulnerable, spaces. Permission to me, to be however I am, and trust that if (or when) I fall and fail, people will pick me up. Permission to be imperfect, and perhaps the grace in this will be to slowly learn to love what I see as "imperfection".
And of course, a little extra money set aside as grace for "stupid tax" (the next post...)
In an effort to live a life where I thrive, not struggle, where I use my skills instead of kicking myself for my failings, I also have started building new walls and avoiding my weakest spaces.
Meditation/Prayer is still hard. As is being in larger group settings, as well as any task (outside of work) which is more mundane and requires prolonged focus, mornings, (oddly) when working out, when sick or tired, or bored, all very hard, and now I notice it.
So what does one do? Should I construct a life where I do not do these things, or at least avoid them as much as possible? You can't really cut out mornings.
That's not the answer. I'm finding AD(H)D to be a constant reminder of the need to be a person of courage. And the place I need the most courage is to face into the spaces where I am still "very ADD". They're scary and they hurt, it's horribly uncomfortable and I want them to go away. But if they did, things would be so easy, and I don't think easy was ever the point.
Growth is the point. I'm not sure how much capacity I have to intentionally be in these hard spaces. I do know that I need to "just do it"... and I need to use the new found ability to actually be present to do it well.
The last aspect I realize is needed is grace. Grace for myself in these, the hardest and most vulnerable, spaces. Permission to me, to be however I am, and trust that if (or when) I fall and fail, people will pick me up. Permission to be imperfect, and perhaps the grace in this will be to slowly learn to love what I see as "imperfection".
And of course, a little extra money set aside as grace for "stupid tax" (the next post...)
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