Enough.

I'm blogging from my bed.  It's a terribly grey and freezing cold day.  I have a feeling Fall might just get skipped right over.  The clouds look like snow clouds today.  I've been in bed most of the afternoon, watching TV and trying to get my body to feel better.  It's not working.

I broke down earlier and called my ADD doctor's office.  I've been pretending like it's not true, trying food elimination, more sleep, stretching, drinking lots of water... but I couldn't take it anymore.

My meds are making me feel like I have a low grade stomach flu.

It's awful.  Slight headache, off and on... extreme nausea at times which goes away but then comes back with a vengeance. I'm wiped out, I didn't really sleep much last night.  I'm jittery, not externally, but inside.  One of the side effects of concerta is nervousness.  It's terrible.

I knew this could happen, and I had told myself it probably would.  However, I'd also read that your body gets used to the meds and the side effects go away.  They aren't going away.

The whole thing feels cruel.  In an effort to have a brain that functions normally, I get a body that is hating me.  Yes.  I am complaining.  I've kept my head up for a while now... but today I feel defeated.  It's either an unquiet mind or a pain filled body.  What kind of choice is that?



(side note:  I am being very honest here.  I'm not going off my meds, I know it's a long and often frustrating process. I just thought it is important to share how hard it is and how nasty the whole process can be.)

Facing the Giants

I haven't posted in a while.  Have you read the book "Daring Greatly"?  I'm finding it to be particularly awesome... it's about vulnerability.  I've been feeling vulnerable.  I made a major spelling mistake recently, when writing about ADD and someone called it out.  It made me not want to write more...

But, I should.  I need to be open and vulnerable.  I'll just say it up front; I can't spell to save my life... It's an ADD thing.  I also DO NOT know everything (or very much) about ADD, and know that it effects me differently from other people.


So here we are.  A rainy day, mid September.  I want to write about Giants.

I said something in passing to a friend the other day; "I guess the last 4 months have been taking the time to actually stop and turn to face the giants who have been chasing me my whole life."

Mindfulness and This

Google defines Mindfulness as:

     1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

1. "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 
   
3. 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

"Mindfulness" has streams running through many rivers in this world.  Most major religions have a theme of it, in same way, shape or form.  The idea of being present to those around you, aware of what is happening here and now, and the ability to listen well to the people and things around you are all highly valued both in our culture and faith context.

Mindfulness is basically impossible (or very challenging) for someone who has AD(H)D.  I wish I had more words to describe it, but I'll do my best.  Before getting on stimulant medication, my world was so incredibly loud.  My mind ran at 10,000 miles a minute, I was not able to control where it went, and had the feeling at times of not being able to breath because I just couldn't keep thoughts in my head.